Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
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The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
How can I say no to this ?
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.