I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
You Might Also Like
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔