Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
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I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
This made me smile…
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.