[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.