Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.