Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
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I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.