Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.