*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
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I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
m’lady
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”