*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
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If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I’m putting together a team
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Hot hot hot 🥵
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Breaking news:
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.