Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
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Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
when u come home smelling like another dog
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this