Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
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this is funnier than any friends episode
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.