God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
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if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.