smartest karate player in the world
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.