Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Möther may I have a snäck
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.