I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
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Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.