If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
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Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights