Worst Native American name ever.
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I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Stop being racist to kettles.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Stop sending me this shit.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*