If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
You Might Also Like
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
translated into Canadian
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.