My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
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I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!