Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
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Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member