Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
You Might Also Like
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I put the h in mysterious.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?