5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
How software testing works
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Monday
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
what day is it?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars