Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
You Might Also Like
“You drive, I’m tired.”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.