My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
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Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!