Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
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The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho