The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
The French cow says MEUX…
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”