@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”