It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
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CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card