Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
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Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz