7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
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*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
My first child will be named New Folder.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Brands during Pride
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I need this for my side hustle.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival