ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
What flavor cupcake are these
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku