I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
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[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.