Tuesday
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“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?