Yaba daba do not resuscitate
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I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
lost dog
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.