He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
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My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*