Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
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Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Aight bet
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.