John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
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I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?