I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks