I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
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REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
constantly working on myself.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.