My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
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All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”