You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
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My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark