Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
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I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.