Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
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This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.