911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
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Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.