I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting