I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
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You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
🤣😂🤣
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
ouch
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.