Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.