That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.