Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
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Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say