Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret